Ibi Dreams of Pavement

god. i can't believe detroit blew it with 35 seconds left. and then i spent the entire night up hoping they would win and of course the didn't. i hate sports. and i hate that i get so wrapped up in them, well actually just hockey. next. the sun is a blazing here. i dropped my advertising class because i one lazy girl. well the class i really wanted to take is in the fall. im gonna be more proactive about getting a portfolio together though i really want to stop thinking about it and just go and do it.

weekends are never long enough here. sunny, hot weather makes cindy a happy girl. i'm going to boston this weekend, yay i will get a chance to see my sister and jolene. spend some time away from ash, although i don't really know if i want too, but it will be good. got class tonight and advertising class starts next tuesday, my summer is about to get busy. i'm all about trying to save money now despite needing to buy some summer clothes. i find that most of my money is spent on food during the week and drinks on the weekend. i want to buy the complete i love lucy series, hi $180 i can't seem to find you.

I can't believe I woke up this early after going to bed at around 5am. Last night was fun, went to a birthday party of Kris' friend. It was cool, Ash didn't end up going she didn't want to go after she found out Erwin was going - oh the weirdness of living and being friends with people that hate each other. But in San Francisco I kind of had this crush on this girl Jamie who was in one of my classes but was too much of a pussy to ever really interact with her even though she was friends with kris. But she was there, and we kind of talked a little and it's weird how people show up randomly in your life again and again, but we would never happen to my disappointment. new york has been fun this week because im going out a lot since kris came and it's easy to get stuck at home doing nothing when your never to a place - eventhough i'm not even that new here. but it's always nice to feel more at home here.

Tegan and Sara were great, i was surprised at how many little ones were there. But good show, got into some drunken drama beforehand with ash but i guess that's just expected of myself when i start drinking. blah. love it and hate it. Kris is coming tonight and staying for a week and a half, apparently our house has now become a hotel but i'm looking forward to it too, it's nice to have another friend around, i just hate people in my space. i hope this week goes well. im going to try to change my life around pronto. my attitude and insecurities and bummer attitude have finally gotten to me and i'm over acting like someone i am not. it's making me stressed and depressed and pushing whatever relationship i have in my life further and further from what i want. i hate knowing exactly what you need to do and still not be able to make that change within yourself. but i figure if i keep telling myself and see the brighter side of what change can do then i'll be motivated enough to make this change for good. its my fucking life and im not going to waste it on being down especially when i can change things with myself to make things better. it doesn't even have to be this bad. i really have to simplify things and know what's important and what's not to make it easier on myself.

i need a vacation. please.

Life is well....life? It's been really sunny here the past couple of days which was nice. I find that I talk way too much about things, and although it makes me feel better it also destroys things. Over analyzing will do that to anything. Damn, tomorrow is thursday, fast week. Ordered a gift basket for my mother on the east coast and like the procrastinator I am, I missed the Sunday delivery so it's getting delivered on Saturday, hey at least it's not Monday. I'm re-reading East of Eden and I forgot what an amazing book it is.

Finally. Last night was a lot of fun, went to a bar with Ash got a little drunk and had a great conversation with her about us. Haha if you ever want to know anything about anyone just buy them some drinks and there you go. I miss the old days and how thing use to be but I'm done trying to regain that, since I finally realized you can't. But the Kills were amazing, I fucking love them live, they sounded amazing and were hot. I need to practice the drums more, everytime I see a band live thats all I tell myself haha.

It's suppose to rain all weekend, lazy 2 days I can already tell.

I'm sick of being frustrated with people and situations. and whatever. For weeks now Ash has made me feel like a big knot is in my stomach and I've become this angry insensitive person - someone who i am not but obviously can be. relationships suck when you don't get what you want, well i guess anything does. If anything i realize just how selfish i really am, i think i always knew it but it's very apparent and in my face now because it affects someone else. i don't know what i want. i'm obviously not getting it but then i don't want to leave and go find it. ahhhh (tears hair out) i'm just going to stop over thinking and analyzing everything to the point of uselessness. make yourself happy i guess and if your not stop blaming other people. damn our relationship needs work.

Rain rain go away. And I thought New York was in for good weather, oh well at least it's not 20 degrees. I woke up at 5am to my dog cleansing his bowels on my bedroom floor, janitorial duties when half asleep are not fun. I hope the pup is ok though and I hope I don't come home to some more surprises when I get home.

Seeing The Kills on Thursday. Yay and Tegan and Sara the monday after that. Should probably get back to "work" now.

first entry. and im done. it's sunday. i love sundays. a gloomy sunday on that. got to get some stuff done today. hopefully.